Doubts

I'm currently re-evaluating my desire to join the Marines. I'm not quitting, and I'm not saying I definitely don't want to, but I am taking a step back and deciding if it's what I really want. I hate running so hard I feel like I can't breathe, and that's what I would have to do to pass the PFT. I hate weight training, and absolutely dreaded every morning I had to go to PT. I mean, I didn't want to go so bad that I had trouble sleeping at night. The PFC I PTed with is gone (I think), so I don't have to go anymore. I weighed myself on their scale the last time I was there, and apparently my scale is 8 pounds off, so I have 17 pounds to lose instead of 9, which sucks.

I'm also really tired of not being able to have stuff. I don't have a couch or table or any other typical household items because I would have to cart it all back to NY or sell it when I shipped out. And that really sucks, too. I have a two-bedroom apartment with fairly large bedrooms and a decent-sized living room, but they're pratically empty. I can't have people over because I have no place for them to sit.

I also haven't talked to my recruiter for a week or two. He called the Friday after the ASVAB was cancelled to say he would be out the following week, but I haven't heard from him since. I'm not sure I want to. He's a nice guy and I don't fault him at all, but I just don't feel the pull anymore. When I was sitting at the recruiters' office waiting for things, I always felt like I was sitting at the doctor's office. I didn't think, "Yeah, this is where I'm supposed to be!"

I've been pushing so hard toward this goal, I think I burned myself out. So I'm going to take a step back, re-evaluate my options, and decide what I really want to do with my life. I have a good job right now and make decent money (about 9k more than I'd make as an E-2). I technically have another year, so I don't need to stress about it yet. I still have plenty of time to make a decision.

Yoink!

Haven't posted in awhile. Sorry about that. My ASVAB was rescheduled again. The Staff Sergeant's wife had her baby that day. I've been feeling very blah since last Tuesday. Wednesday I went to PT, but had to come home because I felt like I was going to be sick. I didn't feel much better Thursday. Friday, I went to PT, but the PFC didn't show up. Saturday and Sunday, I was on call for work. I did run Sunday.

I went to PT Monday and it wasn't too bad, but I still didn't feel the same motivation I felt the first week. I also almost passed out. We'd done arm stuff, since I can't do a flexed-arm hang, but I'm not sure if that had anything to do with it. I was getting ready to leave and we were discussing rank structure when everything went blurry and I felt extremely dizzy. I've felt like that once before when I was maybe 10: I had yawned in my friend Katie's living room, then the world went dark and blurry and I found myself sitting on the floor. This time, things didn't go dark, but I did have to sit down for a minute. I went to the restroom and almost puked (didn't though), then got a drink and I was ok. But it was weird and scary.

Wednesday, we did arm stuff, but didn't really push it. It might have been his last day, but I'm not sure. I'm not going tomorrow. He doesn't really want to be there, and honestly, neither do I. The first week, I felt like I got a lot out of it, but after that, I didn't. I learned some good ways to build arm strength, but I think most of it I can do on my own at home. I bought some 10-pound dumbells, so I'm good there. I'm burning so much gas going over there all the time, it's just not worth it. I also found out that my scale at home is really off. I got on the scale there and it said I was 166, when I thought I was 158. That was quite a downer. Instead of having 9 pounds to lose, I have 17. So I feel I'm wasting their time. I can't do a flexed-arm hang at all, can't do the minimum crunches, can't pass the run for the IST (I can pass the PFT run), and I'm 17 pounds overweight. I think I need to do it on my own and get my motivation back before I can expect them to put more into the relationship. Or maybe I'm just making an excuse to give up on PT for now. I don't know. I just feel defeated at this point.

ASVAB Rescheduled

Well, I didn't get to go to the ASVAB today. Got off work about 3 hours early, got to the recruiter's office, did the paperwork, but didn't get to go. There was too much else going on and we wouldn't have made it in time. So it's rescheduled for next week, assuming my boss will let me leave early again. I won't have to leave as early, and if I come in early, it'll only be a half hour difference. Hopefully they won't have too big a problem with it. They shouldn't. At least I show up, and on time, unlike one of the guys. I never ask for time off unless I'm going home (which I do once every six months), so they have no reason to be upset about me leaving early a couple times.

ASVAB

I'm scheduled to take the ASVAB next Tuesday. I'm surprised the Staff Sergeant wanted me to take it so soon, but he must see my dedication and motivation to be a Marine. I've been at PT every day and haven't done too bad. Each day this week, a new Poolee has shown up, but none of them have ever come back. And I've been able to outrun all of them. Not in a sprint, obviously, but I finish ahead of them and I don't give up as easily. I think the one on Monday was injured, so that probably doesn't count, but I definitely out-performed the other two. It baffles me that people who are signed up to be Marines already don't show the initiative to get themselves in shape. There's this golden opportunity to train with someone who has been through boot camp and MCT recently, and they're not taking it! I just don't get it.

PT

Today was my second day of morning PT with a buddy. Someone else actually joined us, too. He's a current Poolee, who had trouble with the run they did on Friday afternoon. There were some others who were supposed to show up, but never did. I will be honest, I didn't give it my all this morning. The Poolee was having some trouble with cramps, so it gave me an excuse to slack off, and I took it. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. I was really dreading PT this morning. I know I did well on Friday, but I hate feeling like I can't catch my breath. I did better on breathing today, but that was mostly because I wasn't running as hard. I still managed to get some nasty shin splints, though. I'm going to watch Stop-loss and ice them for awhile. Tomorrow I hope we work on the other aspects of the PFT and just do a short run. I don't know if it would be good for my shins to run all out again.

PT Buddy

Staff Sergeant Adamczyk found me a PT buddy! I met with him for the first time this morning. I will admit I was extremely nervous. After the Staff Sergeant told me it was someone who was leaving in a couple weeks, I assumed he would be heading off to boot camp and that he has been working hard to get in shape this entire time. I was afraid I would slow them down and they would get annoyed with me. Well, we all know what assuming does. A PFC who is in town (I saw him at Crispers last week) volunteered to help me out.

It was hard, but it was good. He was encouraging in that stern but kind way. We ran two miles and I thought I was going to keel over. We sprinted at the very end, and boy, did I want to puke (but I didn't). When it was all said and done, we had run two miles in 18 minutes. That's 6 minutes shorter than my normal 2-mile time. We also did push-ups, side-straddle hops, and mountain climbers. I suck at push-ups. I had to drop to my knees several times. He said we're going to work on those next time we meet. I think this will be very good. I realize I've definitely not been pushing myself as hard as I can, or as hard as I need to. There's also a good chance I will end up puking before he leaves in two weeks, but if that's what happens, so be it. I'm excited. Still nervous, but excited to see where I am by the time he has to go.

Frustration

Wednesday is my morning to weigh in and I haven't lost a thing. I've been at 160 for the last four weeks. I was expecting to see something positive this morning, but the scale still says the same thing as last week. I've been eating 1000 calories most days since Thursday, though I did eat 1119 yesterday. I was bad and had that 1/3 donut at work. I've also run every morning except Saturday and Tuesday. I burned about 400 calories on the days I ran. That should equate to at least half a pound or something! I'll stick with it and hopefully talk to the recruiter soon. If not, I'm going to see if my doctor has any ideas. It's just 10 pounds. 10 pounds keeping me from reaching my dream. 10 pounds that just won't go away!! I'm so frustrated!

On a positive note, I managed to do two miles in 22.5 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I'm going to keep that pace and go a bit further.