The Pepperdogs

I finished The Pepperdogs last night... at about 1am. I was so drawn in, I couldn't put it down. I would've spent the night wondering what happened. I both loved it and hated it. But I think that's the mark of a good author. If he can hook so thoroughly that you want to hate him for it, he did his job. I know that sounds weird, but I'm not sure how else to describe it. It's one of my favorite books, and yet, I wanted to throw it across the room.

Today I started No True Glory: A Frontline Account of the Battle of Fallujah. I've only read the prologue so far. It really amazes me how messed up people are. How can anyone think it's ok to mutilate another human being like that? They're already dead. Dragging the bodies through the streets, ripping them apart, hanging them... it just shows how inhumane humans can be. Even animals aren't that savage. I'm so disgusted and baffled, I feel at a loss for words.

We have Friday, July 3, off. I'm going to see if the recruiter's office is open, and if it is, I'm going in. I have no excuse not to. Thinking about it gives me butterflies, but I need to do it. The longer I put it off, the harder it will be, and the perfect moment has been dropped in my lap. I'd be a fool not to take it.

Being Honest

I've been stuck in this slump for a month, and I think I've figured out why. I hate to admit it, but I think it's because I'm scared. I'm scared to talk to a recruiter. I'm afraid they'll tell me I don't have what it takes. I'm still overweight; I can run three miles, but not very fast; I can't do many real push-ups. Even after all the work I've done since September, I still don't think I have what it takes to be a Marine. Don't get me wrong, I want to be a Marine. I just don't think I'm good enough to be one. I see Marines on TV and in movies, and I talk to them on forums, and I'm afraid I'm not good enough to be one of them. What if I get in, get to Boot Camp, then fail miserably? I know I can pass all the knowledge tests, but can I do the physical stuff? I like to think so, but I don't know so. I'm a weakling. I always have been. I tend to fail at most things I try. And I really don't want to fail at this. This is the one thing I want to succeed at, but I'm scared to do so. I think I fail because I convince myself I'm going to. I think I've had it in the back of my head this entire time that I'm not good enough to do it and that I'm not going to succeed. I'm defeating myself. But I can do this. I will do this. I have no other option. I won't be happy doing anything else. I'm meant to be a Marine; I need to be a Marine.

Calorie Cycling

I'm going to try calorie cycling for two weeks. I've been eating at the same calorie level for awhile now and I think it's hurting. Combine that with 4 runs a week, 3 days of 30-day Shred, and 5 days of Cardio Max, and hopefully those last 10 pounds will disappear.

I've decided that after I lose another 5 pounds, I'll go to the recruiters' office. It's easy for them to say "Come in when you're at max weight" over the phone, but maybe once they see how far I've come, they'll be excited to push me those last 5 pounds. I feel like I need to get myself back in the game before I can expect someone else to help me (not a very good Marine mindset, I know). I'm going to leave work early one of these days so I can check out PT. Once I'm actually in DEP, I'll see if I can work it so I can leave early every Thursday.

Reading: The Pepperdogs, by Bing West. It's written about a group of recon reservists who disobey orders to rescue a fellow Marine, kidnapped by Serbs. Bing West is a fantastic author. He also wrote The Village, which is one of my favorites. The Pepperdogs is shaping up to be a close second.

Back on Track!

Well, I'm back on track for the most part. I've been keeping my calories pretty steady around 1500 and I'm doing better with the exercise. This morning I ran about .75 of a mile and walked the rest (2 total). It was too hot to do more, so I came home and did an exercise video instead. After work, I went to Beall's and got a couple new pairs of shorts. These are a bit longer and feel better than the ones I have now. Shorts are my bane when running. I spend more time pulling them back into place than actually running. These new shorts should be more comfortable and less hassle.

Reading: I'd gotten off track on my Marine Corps reading (like everything else), so tonight I went to the library and got some books. In my stash now are a couple of the Ender books from Orson Scott Card, No True Glory and The Pepperdogs by Bing West, and This Kind of War, from the USMC reading list. I also requested Semper Fi, which is a fictional book by W.E.B Griffin. I'm hoping the moto in these books will be a further push in the right direction.

Leslie Sansone's Walk and Jog

I got Leslie Sansone's Walk and Jog in the mail today. I didn't know what to expect, but it's a nice little 30-minute routine. It'll let me get in a bit of jogging on days I don't run. I'm definitely throwing it into my rotation.

Disappointed

I'm seriously disappointed in myself. I'm failing miserably. I did run three times last week, but that's not good enough. I don't know why I'm dropping the ball. Maybe I don't really have what it takes to be a Marine. Why am I losing it so badly? I'm not overeating, but I'm not exercising, and that's killing me. I've been hovering around 160 for a month. It's ridiculous and pathetic. I need to get back on track, and I know how, but I don't know how to get the motivation.

So I came up with something more than the reward system I was using before. If I do my push-ups and crunches, I get $.10 each. If I do cardio, I get $.25 (cardio twice a day gets me $.50). If I run, I get $.50 (it counts as cardio too, so I get $.60). If there's something I want, I can't get it unless I have the money. Hopefully the monetary motivation will help. It may also keep me from blowing money I should be saving. I will still reward myself separately for reaching 149, since that is my ultimate goal and it deserves a true reward (I'm thinking a guitar would be nice).

Quick Update

I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things. I don't know what happened, I just lost all my motivation somehow. But I did a quick run this morning and I plan on doing kickboxing tomorrow morning. I came up with a trick that I hope will work. At work, we tend to get Starbucks a lot, and that can get expensive. So I came up with a plan. If I run, I can put $1 in my Starbucks cup (which is actually a cup from Zaxby's...). If I do my push-ups, I can put in a quarter. When they get Starbucks, I can only get something if I have the money for it in my cup. Four runs a week is $4, which is enough for a small latte. I also put my Marine Corps token on my snooze button, to remind myself why I need to get up in the mornings.

Crashed and Burned

I'm not doing well since I got back home. I've been lazy and unmotivated. I haven't exercised at all and have made poor food choices. My goal for this weekend is to stay under 1550 calories each day and get in at least 120 minutes of exercise each day. I will run at least a mile and a half on Sunday and I'll do my kickboxing video both days. Time to get back on track.

Back in Florida

I had a good time at home. We went hiking every day, and despite overeating, I lost a pound while I was gone. I got to see all my family on Saturday, which was nice. Most of them commented on how much weight I've lost. They're also very supportive of my decision to join the Marines. My aunt Martha even gave me a Marine Corps coin (pictured below), and she's not the type to do much for anyone who isn't her grandchild. It was very nice of her.