Doubts

I'm currently re-evaluating my desire to join the Marines. I'm not quitting, and I'm not saying I definitely don't want to, but I am taking a step back and deciding if it's what I really want. I hate running so hard I feel like I can't breathe, and that's what I would have to do to pass the PFT. I hate weight training, and absolutely dreaded every morning I had to go to PT. I mean, I didn't want to go so bad that I had trouble sleeping at night. The PFC I PTed with is gone (I think), so I don't have to go anymore. I weighed myself on their scale the last time I was there, and apparently my scale is 8 pounds off, so I have 17 pounds to lose instead of 9, which sucks.

I'm also really tired of not being able to have stuff. I don't have a couch or table or any other typical household items because I would have to cart it all back to NY or sell it when I shipped out. And that really sucks, too. I have a two-bedroom apartment with fairly large bedrooms and a decent-sized living room, but they're pratically empty. I can't have people over because I have no place for them to sit.

I also haven't talked to my recruiter for a week or two. He called the Friday after the ASVAB was cancelled to say he would be out the following week, but I haven't heard from him since. I'm not sure I want to. He's a nice guy and I don't fault him at all, but I just don't feel the pull anymore. When I was sitting at the recruiters' office waiting for things, I always felt like I was sitting at the doctor's office. I didn't think, "Yeah, this is where I'm supposed to be!"

I've been pushing so hard toward this goal, I think I burned myself out. So I'm going to take a step back, re-evaluate my options, and decide what I really want to do with my life. I have a good job right now and make decent money (about 9k more than I'd make as an E-2). I technically have another year, so I don't need to stress about it yet. I still have plenty of time to make a decision.

Yoink!

Haven't posted in awhile. Sorry about that. My ASVAB was rescheduled again. The Staff Sergeant's wife had her baby that day. I've been feeling very blah since last Tuesday. Wednesday I went to PT, but had to come home because I felt like I was going to be sick. I didn't feel much better Thursday. Friday, I went to PT, but the PFC didn't show up. Saturday and Sunday, I was on call for work. I did run Sunday.

I went to PT Monday and it wasn't too bad, but I still didn't feel the same motivation I felt the first week. I also almost passed out. We'd done arm stuff, since I can't do a flexed-arm hang, but I'm not sure if that had anything to do with it. I was getting ready to leave and we were discussing rank structure when everything went blurry and I felt extremely dizzy. I've felt like that once before when I was maybe 10: I had yawned in my friend Katie's living room, then the world went dark and blurry and I found myself sitting on the floor. This time, things didn't go dark, but I did have to sit down for a minute. I went to the restroom and almost puked (didn't though), then got a drink and I was ok. But it was weird and scary.

Wednesday, we did arm stuff, but didn't really push it. It might have been his last day, but I'm not sure. I'm not going tomorrow. He doesn't really want to be there, and honestly, neither do I. The first week, I felt like I got a lot out of it, but after that, I didn't. I learned some good ways to build arm strength, but I think most of it I can do on my own at home. I bought some 10-pound dumbells, so I'm good there. I'm burning so much gas going over there all the time, it's just not worth it. I also found out that my scale at home is really off. I got on the scale there and it said I was 166, when I thought I was 158. That was quite a downer. Instead of having 9 pounds to lose, I have 17. So I feel I'm wasting their time. I can't do a flexed-arm hang at all, can't do the minimum crunches, can't pass the run for the IST (I can pass the PFT run), and I'm 17 pounds overweight. I think I need to do it on my own and get my motivation back before I can expect them to put more into the relationship. Or maybe I'm just making an excuse to give up on PT for now. I don't know. I just feel defeated at this point.

ASVAB Rescheduled

Well, I didn't get to go to the ASVAB today. Got off work about 3 hours early, got to the recruiter's office, did the paperwork, but didn't get to go. There was too much else going on and we wouldn't have made it in time. So it's rescheduled for next week, assuming my boss will let me leave early again. I won't have to leave as early, and if I come in early, it'll only be a half hour difference. Hopefully they won't have too big a problem with it. They shouldn't. At least I show up, and on time, unlike one of the guys. I never ask for time off unless I'm going home (which I do once every six months), so they have no reason to be upset about me leaving early a couple times.

ASVAB

I'm scheduled to take the ASVAB next Tuesday. I'm surprised the Staff Sergeant wanted me to take it so soon, but he must see my dedication and motivation to be a Marine. I've been at PT every day and haven't done too bad. Each day this week, a new Poolee has shown up, but none of them have ever come back. And I've been able to outrun all of them. Not in a sprint, obviously, but I finish ahead of them and I don't give up as easily. I think the one on Monday was injured, so that probably doesn't count, but I definitely out-performed the other two. It baffles me that people who are signed up to be Marines already don't show the initiative to get themselves in shape. There's this golden opportunity to train with someone who has been through boot camp and MCT recently, and they're not taking it! I just don't get it.

PT

Today was my second day of morning PT with a buddy. Someone else actually joined us, too. He's a current Poolee, who had trouble with the run they did on Friday afternoon. There were some others who were supposed to show up, but never did. I will be honest, I didn't give it my all this morning. The Poolee was having some trouble with cramps, so it gave me an excuse to slack off, and I took it. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. I was really dreading PT this morning. I know I did well on Friday, but I hate feeling like I can't catch my breath. I did better on breathing today, but that was mostly because I wasn't running as hard. I still managed to get some nasty shin splints, though. I'm going to watch Stop-loss and ice them for awhile. Tomorrow I hope we work on the other aspects of the PFT and just do a short run. I don't know if it would be good for my shins to run all out again.

PT Buddy

Staff Sergeant Adamczyk found me a PT buddy! I met with him for the first time this morning. I will admit I was extremely nervous. After the Staff Sergeant told me it was someone who was leaving in a couple weeks, I assumed he would be heading off to boot camp and that he has been working hard to get in shape this entire time. I was afraid I would slow them down and they would get annoyed with me. Well, we all know what assuming does. A PFC who is in town (I saw him at Crispers last week) volunteered to help me out.

It was hard, but it was good. He was encouraging in that stern but kind way. We ran two miles and I thought I was going to keel over. We sprinted at the very end, and boy, did I want to puke (but I didn't). When it was all said and done, we had run two miles in 18 minutes. That's 6 minutes shorter than my normal 2-mile time. We also did push-ups, side-straddle hops, and mountain climbers. I suck at push-ups. I had to drop to my knees several times. He said we're going to work on those next time we meet. I think this will be very good. I realize I've definitely not been pushing myself as hard as I can, or as hard as I need to. There's also a good chance I will end up puking before he leaves in two weeks, but if that's what happens, so be it. I'm excited. Still nervous, but excited to see where I am by the time he has to go.

Frustration

Wednesday is my morning to weigh in and I haven't lost a thing. I've been at 160 for the last four weeks. I was expecting to see something positive this morning, but the scale still says the same thing as last week. I've been eating 1000 calories most days since Thursday, though I did eat 1119 yesterday. I was bad and had that 1/3 donut at work. I've also run every morning except Saturday and Tuesday. I burned about 400 calories on the days I ran. That should equate to at least half a pound or something! I'll stick with it and hopefully talk to the recruiter soon. If not, I'm going to see if my doctor has any ideas. It's just 10 pounds. 10 pounds keeping me from reaching my dream. 10 pounds that just won't go away!! I'm so frustrated!

On a positive note, I managed to do two miles in 22.5 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I'm going to keep that pace and go a bit further.

Car Trouble

My car started just fine yesterday morning when I went to the park to run, but when I got in it for work, it wouldn't turn over. My boss is pretty handy when it comes to vehicles, so he came and took a look. After replacing the battery, it still wouldn't start. So I had to take it to a shop today and dropped $300 on a new starter. Luckily, my boss needs a battery, so he's taking the new one rather than making me keep it.

I've been doing pretty good on staying in my calorie range. Surprisingly, I'm not hungry all the time like I thought I'd be. Now that I don't have so much wiggle room, I'm making everything count, most of the time. I did have 1/3 of a donut today after taking my car in. I shouldn't have, but I did. I'll still manage to stay under the 1000 calories, but I might be a bit hungrier in the morning.

I didn't get my run in this morning either. Not much I could do about that, though. I couldn't drive to the park, and there's no way I'm running around here. It's a bit scary to do stuff like that. I'm going to push myself extra hard tomorrow morning. My goal is to do 2 miles in 24 minutes (I've been doing 2 in 25). I want to do 3 in 36 by the end of the month. There's no reason I shouldn't be able to. I did it once before.

I got ASVAB for Dummies today. I want to do well on the entire thing, so I have a better chance of getting what I want. At this point, I haven't decided what I want, so if I study for everything, I should be good to go!

Running

I've been pushing myself harder during my runs since I spoke with the recruiter. Ok, so I've only had two runs since then, but still, that's not bad. I've started wearing my HRM and tracking my intensity based on that. I try to keep my heart rate up between 165 and 170. If I get to the point where I'm struggling to breathe, I walk for a minute or two until my heart rate drops back to 155, then pick up running again. It seems to be working pretty well. I did 2.5 miles in less than 30 minutes today (my typical 3 miles is 38 minutes), even with the walking. I think if I keep this up, I'll be able to pass the PFT with no problem. I just need to stick with it and push myself a bit harder than I want to.

This is the first time since I've started my journey that I've had someone expecting me to do well (well, someone who can physically see me and judge my progress on their own). If I don't push myself and show that I have what it takes, they won't put their own reputations on the line to help me become a Marine. It's scary, but it's also nice. Becoming a Marine isn't just an idea anymore, it's becoming reality. I finally have a tangible goal and can see how my efforts so far have helped achieve that goal.

Recruiter Update

Despite shaking like crazy and wanting to puke, I went in and talked to a recruiter tonight. I think it went pretty well. He gave me a lot of information on how to lose the last 10ish pounds I need to lose. I've been going about it all wrong. I've been eating about 1600 calories a day, when I need to eat about 1000. I eat way too many carbs (only need 3 servings a day. Did you know that baby carrots are full of carbs?), and too many fruits (need 1-2, so much for my apple obsession). I need to be running to the point of wanting to die for 30-45 minutes a day. Staff Sergeant Adamczyk offered to help me some mornings, too, which is great. He said I should call him on Friday mornings, but I'm not sure if he meant I should start tomorrow... I probably should. Show some initiative and whatnot.

There is also the chance that my hypothyroidism will keep me out of the military completely. That's a bit worrisome, as I don't have a backup plan. But I'm not making a backup plan yet, because I know I can manage without the meds. I need(ed) them to keep my weight down, but now that I know how to eat better and control my weight, they may become obsolete. I'll lose the weight and see what the recruiter finds out about the condition. No sense in stressing now.

On the positive side, I took the practice ASVAB and got an 89 (for those who don't know, max is 99). The person before me had gotten a 17, so that was a pleasant surprise. And I rushed and guessed on a couple of the math questions because I thought I was running out of time (I ended that section with 3 minutes left), so if I had taken my time, I may have done better. But 89 is nothing to spit at.

One other thing to note: I met the recruiter who I had initially spoken with on the phone way back when. She's actually very nice and I owe her an apology for the bad attitude I had toward her. I'm sure she sees overweight people come in all the time who never follow through. I'm not going to be one of those people.

I'm still a bit nervous about the whole situation, but I think it's going to turn out well. Staff Sergeant Adamczyk's wife was there, as well, and she was very nice. She offered to lend me her Weight Watchers books and gave me lots of helpful advice. And once she has her baby, she and Sergeant Kindig will be doing a "girls only" PT session. Hopefully I'll be able to join that one. Yes, I definitely think this is going to turn out well. I can't wait to be a Marine.

Recruiter

I called the RSS yesterday to see if they would be open on Friday. They won't be, but he told me to come in tonight after work. So I'm going in. There are a couple things I'm hoping to accomplish there. First, I hope they have some tips on how to get out of this slump. I'm exercising almost as much as before now, but I'm still not losing any weight. Second, I would like to get a jump start on paperwork and gathering all the information I need so I'm ready when the time comes. I'm not sure if that's allowed, but at the very least, they can tell me what I need to start collecting/requesting. And third, I'm going to have them weigh me, so I know how accurate my scale is. I'm quite nervous to go in, but I need to do it. Maybe it will be just the motivation I need to kick it to another gear.

The Pepperdogs

I finished The Pepperdogs last night... at about 1am. I was so drawn in, I couldn't put it down. I would've spent the night wondering what happened. I both loved it and hated it. But I think that's the mark of a good author. If he can hook so thoroughly that you want to hate him for it, he did his job. I know that sounds weird, but I'm not sure how else to describe it. It's one of my favorite books, and yet, I wanted to throw it across the room.

Today I started No True Glory: A Frontline Account of the Battle of Fallujah. I've only read the prologue so far. It really amazes me how messed up people are. How can anyone think it's ok to mutilate another human being like that? They're already dead. Dragging the bodies through the streets, ripping them apart, hanging them... it just shows how inhumane humans can be. Even animals aren't that savage. I'm so disgusted and baffled, I feel at a loss for words.

We have Friday, July 3, off. I'm going to see if the recruiter's office is open, and if it is, I'm going in. I have no excuse not to. Thinking about it gives me butterflies, but I need to do it. The longer I put it off, the harder it will be, and the perfect moment has been dropped in my lap. I'd be a fool not to take it.

Being Honest

I've been stuck in this slump for a month, and I think I've figured out why. I hate to admit it, but I think it's because I'm scared. I'm scared to talk to a recruiter. I'm afraid they'll tell me I don't have what it takes. I'm still overweight; I can run three miles, but not very fast; I can't do many real push-ups. Even after all the work I've done since September, I still don't think I have what it takes to be a Marine. Don't get me wrong, I want to be a Marine. I just don't think I'm good enough to be one. I see Marines on TV and in movies, and I talk to them on forums, and I'm afraid I'm not good enough to be one of them. What if I get in, get to Boot Camp, then fail miserably? I know I can pass all the knowledge tests, but can I do the physical stuff? I like to think so, but I don't know so. I'm a weakling. I always have been. I tend to fail at most things I try. And I really don't want to fail at this. This is the one thing I want to succeed at, but I'm scared to do so. I think I fail because I convince myself I'm going to. I think I've had it in the back of my head this entire time that I'm not good enough to do it and that I'm not going to succeed. I'm defeating myself. But I can do this. I will do this. I have no other option. I won't be happy doing anything else. I'm meant to be a Marine; I need to be a Marine.

Calorie Cycling

I'm going to try calorie cycling for two weeks. I've been eating at the same calorie level for awhile now and I think it's hurting. Combine that with 4 runs a week, 3 days of 30-day Shred, and 5 days of Cardio Max, and hopefully those last 10 pounds will disappear.

I've decided that after I lose another 5 pounds, I'll go to the recruiters' office. It's easy for them to say "Come in when you're at max weight" over the phone, but maybe once they see how far I've come, they'll be excited to push me those last 5 pounds. I feel like I need to get myself back in the game before I can expect someone else to help me (not a very good Marine mindset, I know). I'm going to leave work early one of these days so I can check out PT. Once I'm actually in DEP, I'll see if I can work it so I can leave early every Thursday.

Reading: The Pepperdogs, by Bing West. It's written about a group of recon reservists who disobey orders to rescue a fellow Marine, kidnapped by Serbs. Bing West is a fantastic author. He also wrote The Village, which is one of my favorites. The Pepperdogs is shaping up to be a close second.

Back on Track!

Well, I'm back on track for the most part. I've been keeping my calories pretty steady around 1500 and I'm doing better with the exercise. This morning I ran about .75 of a mile and walked the rest (2 total). It was too hot to do more, so I came home and did an exercise video instead. After work, I went to Beall's and got a couple new pairs of shorts. These are a bit longer and feel better than the ones I have now. Shorts are my bane when running. I spend more time pulling them back into place than actually running. These new shorts should be more comfortable and less hassle.

Reading: I'd gotten off track on my Marine Corps reading (like everything else), so tonight I went to the library and got some books. In my stash now are a couple of the Ender books from Orson Scott Card, No True Glory and The Pepperdogs by Bing West, and This Kind of War, from the USMC reading list. I also requested Semper Fi, which is a fictional book by W.E.B Griffin. I'm hoping the moto in these books will be a further push in the right direction.

Leslie Sansone's Walk and Jog

I got Leslie Sansone's Walk and Jog in the mail today. I didn't know what to expect, but it's a nice little 30-minute routine. It'll let me get in a bit of jogging on days I don't run. I'm definitely throwing it into my rotation.

Disappointed

I'm seriously disappointed in myself. I'm failing miserably. I did run three times last week, but that's not good enough. I don't know why I'm dropping the ball. Maybe I don't really have what it takes to be a Marine. Why am I losing it so badly? I'm not overeating, but I'm not exercising, and that's killing me. I've been hovering around 160 for a month. It's ridiculous and pathetic. I need to get back on track, and I know how, but I don't know how to get the motivation.

So I came up with something more than the reward system I was using before. If I do my push-ups and crunches, I get $.10 each. If I do cardio, I get $.25 (cardio twice a day gets me $.50). If I run, I get $.50 (it counts as cardio too, so I get $.60). If there's something I want, I can't get it unless I have the money. Hopefully the monetary motivation will help. It may also keep me from blowing money I should be saving. I will still reward myself separately for reaching 149, since that is my ultimate goal and it deserves a true reward (I'm thinking a guitar would be nice).

Quick Update

I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things. I don't know what happened, I just lost all my motivation somehow. But I did a quick run this morning and I plan on doing kickboxing tomorrow morning. I came up with a trick that I hope will work. At work, we tend to get Starbucks a lot, and that can get expensive. So I came up with a plan. If I run, I can put $1 in my Starbucks cup (which is actually a cup from Zaxby's...). If I do my push-ups, I can put in a quarter. When they get Starbucks, I can only get something if I have the money for it in my cup. Four runs a week is $4, which is enough for a small latte. I also put my Marine Corps token on my snooze button, to remind myself why I need to get up in the mornings.

Crashed and Burned

I'm not doing well since I got back home. I've been lazy and unmotivated. I haven't exercised at all and have made poor food choices. My goal for this weekend is to stay under 1550 calories each day and get in at least 120 minutes of exercise each day. I will run at least a mile and a half on Sunday and I'll do my kickboxing video both days. Time to get back on track.

Back in Florida

I had a good time at home. We went hiking every day, and despite overeating, I lost a pound while I was gone. I got to see all my family on Saturday, which was nice. Most of them commented on how much weight I've lost. They're also very supportive of my decision to join the Marines. My aunt Martha even gave me a Marine Corps coin (pictured below), and she's not the type to do much for anyone who isn't her grandchild. It was very nice of her.